I’m coming up on my second year of sobriety in a few days and I feel good. There have been a lot of trials that I have gone through since February 17 of 2010 but still I’ve been able to maintain a clear and sober mind. One of the saying that I always hear in my AA meetings is “Remember When” that’s when we think back on the insanities that we brought to the world in our drunken state and feel happy for the moments now because those times are over. One of my remember when moments that remain prevalent in my mind was the way that I was when it came to women and sex. We all know that when we have the right amount of alcohol in us that all our inhibitions can fly away quickly. I used to drink a mickey of vodka before I went to the club so I would already be in Mac mode before even hitting the bar, plus (I thought) it made it cheaper for the night of buying expensive drinks. Truth was because I was so drunk already I had less discretion on my pockets and the money flew at the bar and ever friend, chick and even non-close associates got a drink from me. I had many of drunk sloppy sex nights after the bar or afterhours that I woke up with regrets. I would wake up in some of the strangest parts of town dreading the trip home I had ahead of me. The night before travelling all the way to another side of the city always seemed like such a great idea while I had the vodka and Hennessey making my decisions for me. But in the morning no one likes to do the walk of shame, or getting home groggy and hung over just so I can get some proper sleep in my own bed. I laugh and cringe at the same time when I think about some of the monsters I woke up next to also, the night before she looked like Megan Fox with the Henney guiding my vision but in the morning she’d look like Rosie O’ Donald. I’d like to apologize to my current fiancé and past serious relationships that I had dealing with a drunken womanizer like I was back then. It’s always so easy to blame promiscuity on alcohol when I slipped, both men and women can relate to that.
When I was younger I used alcohol to loosen up to be able to talk to women because I was shy and self conscious about the weight I had back then, but as I got older alcohol went from loosening me up to just make me loose. So in closing I thank God that I’m in a relationship with a good women and that my Johnson never fell off or got chopped off from all my crazy adventures. And as I always say go out there and have some drinks and have fun just be responsible or you too can wake up in a strange place with a stranger in a bed full of regrets.
Bless
Monday, 13 February 2012
Saturday, 24 December 2011
The Sober Emcee: Holiday Cheers Entry #14
The Sober Emcee: Holiday Cheers Entry #14: So the holidays are here and everyone is doing their power shopping. There are fun times and there are stressful times. On both sides of the...
Holiday Cheers Entry #14
So the holidays are here and everyone is doing their power shopping. There are fun times and there are stressful times. On both sides of the spectrum we have the stress of our pockets getting lower from the Xmas gifts and going out with friends and loved ones but on the other side we have the joy of receiving presents and going to Xmas parties. As for me I’m closing in on my second year of sobriety and I feel great. I still have to be mindful that there will be a lot of alcohol around me wherever I go and I need to continue to use the mental tools I’ve acquired from my prison program and from Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember getting so smashed during Xmas dinners that the taste of my mother’s cooking wasn’t even a factor. That was my excuse to power drink from the morning all through the day and until the next morning. New years was an extra extra supper power drinking time and by the time midnight would come the whole world would be blurry. The problem I used to have was the fact that I had no drinking limit, there was no tap out time where I couldn’t drink anymore or I’d black out. Being a former afterhour’s patron, I remember it being 5 AM many a New Years and still going hard at the bottle wherever I was then having sloppy drunken sex.
I’m thankful now because the times that I had and the things that I went through led me to my rock bottom, I’m also thankful that I was able to recognize my bottom when I hit it. I spent Xmas and New Years Eve of 2009 on a strict probation curfew and I spent Xmas and New Year’s Eve 2010 in the federal pen. There’s no worst feeling than being away from your family from the holidays and even though the prison fed us well to alleviate some of that sorrow, it still can never beat a real home cooked meal. Inside the guards do extra cell searches around the holidays because they know that inmates will be making and stashing jail brew. And really, who wants to spend these two important holidays surrounded by a bunch of sad sexually frustrated men. We had a lot game tournaments like card games and sport tournaments to mask our sadness but in the end of the day it was still prison. When the guards switched shifts to go home to their families, we still had to stay away from ours. The most we had was a phone call home or maybe a lucky visit or a card.
I’m home now but the struggle continues I need to remember that if I pick up a drink again that my life will spiral out of control again and eventually I will end up back behind bars for more holidays. My choices now are either stay home sober or get drunk and there will being a cold prison cot waiting for me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which one I’m going to choose.
This blog entry is dedicated to the people that can relate and might think or know that they have a problem. For the ones who can’t remember a day that went by without getting pissy drunk and then doubling up and getting shitty drunk during the holiday. For the people that can have a drink one day and leave it alone the next day or for weeks after, I can’t lie and say that I don’t envy you. As an alcoholic I don’t have that ability, I have to practice complete abstinence. No matter what I can’t do though I still encourage people to eat, drink and be merry. Just make sure to be responsible and drink until the point of enjoyment not to the blackout or to the point where it’s not fun anymore. In the end of the day the holidays are for cheer, so cheers.
Bless
I’m thankful now because the times that I had and the things that I went through led me to my rock bottom, I’m also thankful that I was able to recognize my bottom when I hit it. I spent Xmas and New Years Eve of 2009 on a strict probation curfew and I spent Xmas and New Year’s Eve 2010 in the federal pen. There’s no worst feeling than being away from your family from the holidays and even though the prison fed us well to alleviate some of that sorrow, it still can never beat a real home cooked meal. Inside the guards do extra cell searches around the holidays because they know that inmates will be making and stashing jail brew. And really, who wants to spend these two important holidays surrounded by a bunch of sad sexually frustrated men. We had a lot game tournaments like card games and sport tournaments to mask our sadness but in the end of the day it was still prison. When the guards switched shifts to go home to their families, we still had to stay away from ours. The most we had was a phone call home or maybe a lucky visit or a card.
I’m home now but the struggle continues I need to remember that if I pick up a drink again that my life will spiral out of control again and eventually I will end up back behind bars for more holidays. My choices now are either stay home sober or get drunk and there will being a cold prison cot waiting for me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which one I’m going to choose.
This blog entry is dedicated to the people that can relate and might think or know that they have a problem. For the ones who can’t remember a day that went by without getting pissy drunk and then doubling up and getting shitty drunk during the holiday. For the people that can have a drink one day and leave it alone the next day or for weeks after, I can’t lie and say that I don’t envy you. As an alcoholic I don’t have that ability, I have to practice complete abstinence. No matter what I can’t do though I still encourage people to eat, drink and be merry. Just make sure to be responsible and drink until the point of enjoyment not to the blackout or to the point where it’s not fun anymore. In the end of the day the holidays are for cheer, so cheers.
Bless
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Booze, Bitches and Boom Bap Entry #13
Booze, Bitches and Boom Bap
In the hip hop world we are trained to think that excessive drinking is a cool thing. Everyone remembers the Jay Z videos with Dame Dash dancing around smashed pouring liquor on video vixens, the numerous club videos in the VIP with drunken rappers doing performance scenes and who can forget the 40 ounce era when rappers were doing scenes in the local corner store buying a bottle of Ol’ English. We use alcohol to commemorate our deceased comrades by pouring liquor on their graves or street corners. With that being said in hip hop we seldom associate alcohol with negativity. In my reality I believe that a lot of us hip hop heads and artist especially are serious alcoholics. Like I always say, it’s all good to get your drink on but when that drinking becomes a dependency on being able to record songs or videos then that’s a potential problem. Part of my path to being an alcoholic started in the Wu tang days when I was getting into my hustle. I used to think that waking up and grabbing a beer before working the block was a necessity and honestly I got that from watching Boyz in The Hood and Menace to Society, watching Ol’ Dog slam down 40 ounces of malt liquors while doing crazy things. I remember the St. Ides commercial with Wu tang Clan and Snoop Doggy Dogg, to me that was the coolest shit. In the ghettos in the US they were selling 40 ounces for a dollar, but we never had that in Canada. The first time we started getting them in selected stores they were sold for $5 a bottle and my friends and I were tripping over each other to buy them on the strength of hip hop. After a while I didn’t feel complete unless I had a 40 when I was on my hustle. As hip hop’s drinking taste evolved from 40s to hard liquor so did my taste. When hip hop was drinking Alize, I was in the club buying bottles of that sweet syrupy shit. When hip hop started drinking Belvedere and Grey Goose, I was buying $45 bottles of that from the liquor store instead of regular $20 vodka which is just as good or maybe even better. Let’s not even get into the Hennessey because I had way too many crazy nights trying to keep up with my favorite rappers drink of choice. Now we got Louis the 13th ($150 a shot at the bar) and Patron drinkers breaking their bank trying to get drunk while still being up to the times.
All these times helped to cultivate my drinking habit to the point where it became a big problem on my love ones, my pocket and my life in a whole. In hind sight I can’t just blame it on hip hop because no matter what I love hip hop music and culture. I’ve always been a strong believer that we need to listen to our music objectively not subjectively, meaning don’t do something just because we heard it in a song or seen I in a video or movie. If we did that then everyone who loves gangster rap would be out there on a murder spree or selling drugs to drive the hottest cars and drink themselves stupid. The problem is that a lot of us and the new generations of listeners are listening to our music subjectively and trying to keep up with our favorite rappers which essentially digging us early graves.
I’ve stopped drinking completely but I will never stop loving hip hop, I just learned now through my hard times that we can’t do things because our favorite rappers are doing it. We have to make choice based on our own preferences and limits. If ya’ll want to buy something from the bar then don’t kill your pockets trying to buy what Diddy’s buying because he’s a damn millionaire and chances are he’s getting for free anyway. Stay within your means and like I always say don’t over-do it, drink responsibly.
Bless
In the hip hop world we are trained to think that excessive drinking is a cool thing. Everyone remembers the Jay Z videos with Dame Dash dancing around smashed pouring liquor on video vixens, the numerous club videos in the VIP with drunken rappers doing performance scenes and who can forget the 40 ounce era when rappers were doing scenes in the local corner store buying a bottle of Ol’ English. We use alcohol to commemorate our deceased comrades by pouring liquor on their graves or street corners. With that being said in hip hop we seldom associate alcohol with negativity. In my reality I believe that a lot of us hip hop heads and artist especially are serious alcoholics. Like I always say, it’s all good to get your drink on but when that drinking becomes a dependency on being able to record songs or videos then that’s a potential problem. Part of my path to being an alcoholic started in the Wu tang days when I was getting into my hustle. I used to think that waking up and grabbing a beer before working the block was a necessity and honestly I got that from watching Boyz in The Hood and Menace to Society, watching Ol’ Dog slam down 40 ounces of malt liquors while doing crazy things. I remember the St. Ides commercial with Wu tang Clan and Snoop Doggy Dogg, to me that was the coolest shit. In the ghettos in the US they were selling 40 ounces for a dollar, but we never had that in Canada. The first time we started getting them in selected stores they were sold for $5 a bottle and my friends and I were tripping over each other to buy them on the strength of hip hop. After a while I didn’t feel complete unless I had a 40 when I was on my hustle. As hip hop’s drinking taste evolved from 40s to hard liquor so did my taste. When hip hop was drinking Alize, I was in the club buying bottles of that sweet syrupy shit. When hip hop started drinking Belvedere and Grey Goose, I was buying $45 bottles of that from the liquor store instead of regular $20 vodka which is just as good or maybe even better. Let’s not even get into the Hennessey because I had way too many crazy nights trying to keep up with my favorite rappers drink of choice. Now we got Louis the 13th ($150 a shot at the bar) and Patron drinkers breaking their bank trying to get drunk while still being up to the times.
All these times helped to cultivate my drinking habit to the point where it became a big problem on my love ones, my pocket and my life in a whole. In hind sight I can’t just blame it on hip hop because no matter what I love hip hop music and culture. I’ve always been a strong believer that we need to listen to our music objectively not subjectively, meaning don’t do something just because we heard it in a song or seen I in a video or movie. If we did that then everyone who loves gangster rap would be out there on a murder spree or selling drugs to drive the hottest cars and drink themselves stupid. The problem is that a lot of us and the new generations of listeners are listening to our music subjectively and trying to keep up with our favorite rappers which essentially digging us early graves.
I’ve stopped drinking completely but I will never stop loving hip hop, I just learned now through my hard times that we can’t do things because our favorite rappers are doing it. We have to make choice based on our own preferences and limits. If ya’ll want to buy something from the bar then don’t kill your pockets trying to buy what Diddy’s buying because he’s a damn millionaire and chances are he’s getting for free anyway. Stay within your means and like I always say don’t over-do it, drink responsibly.
Bless
Saturday, 19 November 2011
GOOD TIMES/HARD TIMES WHO (OR WHAT) DO WE TURN TO? Entry #12
As a recording artist I express my hard times as well as good times in my songs. That’s my outlet and I thank God for the ability to do that. Also there has always been outside substances accessible for use when going through hard times like drugs and my old demon alcohol. Alcohol was my dark passenger when I was celebrating achievements, but in the hard times I used it to drown out the pain. I never thought that I used to be an unhappy person or deal with depression, but while listening to some of my material from 2009-2010 in my heavy abuse time I realized that I spoke about that a lot in my lyrics. I rapped about stress and hard times and the gallons of vodka and Hennesey that I consumed to alleviate those feelings. At the time I never saw anything wrong with that, I just figured that was the “rapper” thing to do. But in hindsight I realize that those were cries for help and expressing my demons through my music.
We all have problems and stress and drama does not only choose certain people. The thing is when we feel it does alcohol make it any better? Sure I used to feel better in the moment while I was drunk but did it make those problems go away? No, as a matter of fact the problems got worst in the long run. Liquor dulled the sharpness I needed to deal with difficult situations. Liquor also made finances even harder. At the time I was a drug dealer so I made a lot of money, but we all know when you have a few drinks in you we can become way more generous. Next thing you know we’re buying drinks for people we barely even know. Also in my case I know that I screwed up a lot of re up counts for my suppliers at the time from doing my hustling accounting while drunk. So rather than my problems going away through the bottle, things actually got worst. Not to mention the way I felt the next morning from hangovers or regrets from not knowing exactly what happened the night before, or even not knowing where the hell I was or who the hell is this nasty chick next to me.
I’m not going to get all preachy and suggest people not to drink just because I don’t anymore. But just realize that when your getting smashed because times get rough that it’s only temporary euphoria. Those problems will still be there after the party is over but we need enjoyment to contras those hard times. With that being known I suggest that you go out there and enjoy yourself but set limits so that good time doesn’t make those hard times turn harder.
Stay Blessed
We all have problems and stress and drama does not only choose certain people. The thing is when we feel it does alcohol make it any better? Sure I used to feel better in the moment while I was drunk but did it make those problems go away? No, as a matter of fact the problems got worst in the long run. Liquor dulled the sharpness I needed to deal with difficult situations. Liquor also made finances even harder. At the time I was a drug dealer so I made a lot of money, but we all know when you have a few drinks in you we can become way more generous. Next thing you know we’re buying drinks for people we barely even know. Also in my case I know that I screwed up a lot of re up counts for my suppliers at the time from doing my hustling accounting while drunk. So rather than my problems going away through the bottle, things actually got worst. Not to mention the way I felt the next morning from hangovers or regrets from not knowing exactly what happened the night before, or even not knowing where the hell I was or who the hell is this nasty chick next to me.
I’m not going to get all preachy and suggest people not to drink just because I don’t anymore. But just realize that when your getting smashed because times get rough that it’s only temporary euphoria. Those problems will still be there after the party is over but we need enjoyment to contras those hard times. With that being known I suggest that you go out there and enjoy yourself but set limits so that good time doesn’t make those hard times turn harder.
Stay Blessed
Thursday, 6 October 2011
PRISON SAVED MY LIFE
I was arrested on December 10th 2009, after an unfortunate accident encouraged by alcohol. That evening I had just come off the plane from New York City and I was dying to get drunk, but getting drunk almost made me die. As soon as I got back to my apartment I opened a bottle of vodka and had my once usual drink of vodka mixed with a slight touch of water. After the elixir hit my brain I started making bad decisions. I left the apartment around midnight and went to my favorite hang out at the time Octopus Lounge. At the bar I downed many glasses of vodka and cranberry juice, at that point I never needed to tell the bartender my order, I was such a regular by this point that they just knew. After a few hours of drinking and mingling I left the bar and went home with plans to go to the afterhours later on. At home I continued to drink the vodka that was waiting for me in my regular routine when I got a call from my friend/customer that will remain nameless. He wanted to come and pick up a bag of cocaine and as a prevalent dealer of such I was equipped. He arrived shortly after 3:30am and we hung out a bit and drank before he made his purchase and left. By that point I was very inebriated and high off of excessive amounts of weed. My plans were still to go to my beloved afterhours but the plans changed when I passed out. When I awoke I was being taken out of the apartment by firemen and brought downstairs to my landlord’s office. I was baffled, confused and very groggy from the indulgence, especially since there was a police officer waiting for me in the office. I realized by the fire alarms and the fire trucks outside that there was a fire but was puzzled by the fact that no one else from my building was outside. The officer told me it was because the fire was in my apartment and in addition that I was under arrest. I was told that upon the entry to my apartment by the fire department that one of the firemen discovered a considerable amount of cocaine on my kitchen counter and the authorities were called. I was escorted to the 14 division police station and left in the interrogation room. After an hour a couple of detectives came in to question me about the cocaine and inform me that they would be returning to my apartment with a search warrant while I remained detained. “If we search your apartment are we going to find anything else besides the coke?” one of the detectives asked. I told them no and they left me in the room for another two hours. When they returned one of them said, “I thought you told us that there was nothing else in your apartment?” I maintained my claim when the detective finally dropped the bomb shell. “What about the loaded .44 that we found in your computer tower?” he asked rhetorically. I realized then that my life was about to change. I was detained and transported to the Toronto Don Jail. Four days later I was released on bail with a lot of conditions including a 9pm curfew.
Fast forward two months, I continued selling drugs and getting drunk in a new apartment when I was raided by the vice squad. This time I wasn’t getting bail and I was sent to await my trial back at the Don jail. That was February 17th 2010 and that was the last time I ever had a drink. That was my wake-up call and I’ve been awake ever since.
Besides prison saving my life music also saved my life. I’ve been an artist/manager/record company CEO for a long time and on my first night on an extremely rough range I displayed my lyrical skill while we were on the nightly lock down. The next morning every hip hop lover wanted to know more about me and my profession.
Eventually I was sentenced to 3 years and 9 months in a Federal penitentiary and I knew I had to better myself with the time I was given away from the outside world. I began attending the AA Pathway to Freedom group every Sunday and never missed one meeting. In February of 2010 I received my one year medallion that I carry with me everywhere to remind me of my accomplishment. I began attending an AA meeting in downtown Toronto at 7:30am and searched out others until I found all the ones that I was comfortable with.
I am now twenty months sober and loving the feeling and I owe it all to God, Alcoholics Anonymous and prison. Prison was my turning point and if it wasn’t for that time away I probably would have still been a drunk suffering from financial strain, jondis and social disorder. The alcohol was definitely catching up to me and eventually I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning, sorossis of the liver or just end up homeless from a financial downward spiral. When I used to see homeless people I used to think, “Those are real alcoholics.” That could never happen to me I thought, now when I see them I don’t separate myself from their misfortune because if I continued on my destructive path I would eventually be sitting next to them begging for change outside of the liquor store.
I don’t regret a day in jail because without that experience I wouldn’t be able to experience the real freedom that I live now being a productive sober man.
Bless
Fast forward two months, I continued selling drugs and getting drunk in a new apartment when I was raided by the vice squad. This time I wasn’t getting bail and I was sent to await my trial back at the Don jail. That was February 17th 2010 and that was the last time I ever had a drink. That was my wake-up call and I’ve been awake ever since.
Besides prison saving my life music also saved my life. I’ve been an artist/manager/record company CEO for a long time and on my first night on an extremely rough range I displayed my lyrical skill while we were on the nightly lock down. The next morning every hip hop lover wanted to know more about me and my profession.
Eventually I was sentenced to 3 years and 9 months in a Federal penitentiary and I knew I had to better myself with the time I was given away from the outside world. I began attending the AA Pathway to Freedom group every Sunday and never missed one meeting. In February of 2010 I received my one year medallion that I carry with me everywhere to remind me of my accomplishment. I began attending an AA meeting in downtown Toronto at 7:30am and searched out others until I found all the ones that I was comfortable with.
I am now twenty months sober and loving the feeling and I owe it all to God, Alcoholics Anonymous and prison. Prison was my turning point and if it wasn’t for that time away I probably would have still been a drunk suffering from financial strain, jondis and social disorder. The alcohol was definitely catching up to me and eventually I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning, sorossis of the liver or just end up homeless from a financial downward spiral. When I used to see homeless people I used to think, “Those are real alcoholics.” That could never happen to me I thought, now when I see them I don’t separate myself from their misfortune because if I continued on my destructive path I would eventually be sitting next to them begging for change outside of the liquor store.
I don’t regret a day in jail because without that experience I wouldn’t be able to experience the real freedom that I live now being a productive sober man.
Bless
Monday, 12 September 2011
Locked in brings God out!
Part 10:Locked in brings God Out
It seems that a lot of times when people have their backs against the wall is when we call to God. This is especially true when it comes to people being incarcerated, a lot of times getting locked behind bars brings out ones religious and/or spiritual side. We have many Christians in jail, inmates that join the Islamic faith, we even have full out pastors and religious clergy men that were once convicts. I myself have experienced this same so-called awakening and since my incarceration in 2010, have begun to frequent the jail chapel and re-found Christ. Why is this? I ponder to myself, is this all real or is it just temporary until we are freed? Do we think that if we try to talk to God now, that He will open those prison doors sooner? I personally know that this is not true because I’ve seen many a chapel attendees get turned down for parole.
Ultimately it’s not how much we pray while inside that counts, but our true devotion and dedication to God and His ways that we live by when we get out. If God is all knowing then He can be able to see which of us really hold our praying and recognition in our hearts. He knows which one of us is going to continue a righteous path from the ones who only think of Him until we get out. I feel my faith is strong but I still feel that I should have tried harder to frequent church when I got out on parole. Not because God only blesses Christians who go to church, God judges by our actions not the venue we choose to worship Him in. I should have gone to church more often because that’s what I said I was going to do and a man’s word is his bond.
This goes to my belief that we should not only call on God in our hard times but also in our good times. When things are going well in our lives we must never forget to always give thanks to God. We must give back by being His workers in the factory of righteousness. By always giving a helping hand to someone in need, by looking outside of ourselves and being selfless rather than selfish, spreading the word to those who want it or by being more humble are all ways of living in Godly ways.
God is with us every day of our lives so we must not just acknowledge Him on our worst days but thank Him on our best days. So to all my convicts and former convicts, it’s good to speak to God while we’re inside as long as we continue to speak to Him when we get out.
Bless
It seems that a lot of times when people have their backs against the wall is when we call to God. This is especially true when it comes to people being incarcerated, a lot of times getting locked behind bars brings out ones religious and/or spiritual side. We have many Christians in jail, inmates that join the Islamic faith, we even have full out pastors and religious clergy men that were once convicts. I myself have experienced this same so-called awakening and since my incarceration in 2010, have begun to frequent the jail chapel and re-found Christ. Why is this? I ponder to myself, is this all real or is it just temporary until we are freed? Do we think that if we try to talk to God now, that He will open those prison doors sooner? I personally know that this is not true because I’ve seen many a chapel attendees get turned down for parole.
Ultimately it’s not how much we pray while inside that counts, but our true devotion and dedication to God and His ways that we live by when we get out. If God is all knowing then He can be able to see which of us really hold our praying and recognition in our hearts. He knows which one of us is going to continue a righteous path from the ones who only think of Him until we get out. I feel my faith is strong but I still feel that I should have tried harder to frequent church when I got out on parole. Not because God only blesses Christians who go to church, God judges by our actions not the venue we choose to worship Him in. I should have gone to church more often because that’s what I said I was going to do and a man’s word is his bond.
This goes to my belief that we should not only call on God in our hard times but also in our good times. When things are going well in our lives we must never forget to always give thanks to God. We must give back by being His workers in the factory of righteousness. By always giving a helping hand to someone in need, by looking outside of ourselves and being selfless rather than selfish, spreading the word to those who want it or by being more humble are all ways of living in Godly ways.
God is with us every day of our lives so we must not just acknowledge Him on our worst days but thank Him on our best days. So to all my convicts and former convicts, it’s good to speak to God while we’re inside as long as we continue to speak to Him when we get out.
Bless
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