Monday, 3 June 2013

Entry #24 Grown Man Business

Some of us men take longer to grow up than others. Even though our age number might be raising our maturity levels can stay in our teenaged stage. I was surely guilty of being one of those men. I spent a lot of time chasing girls and material things all while being a drunken fool and it only landed me in a lot of trouble. In my warped perception of reality I feel that I caused a lot of damage: I’ve cheated on many ex girlfriends, I squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it and caused a lot of heart ache for my family. Ultimately I can’t blame it all on the alcohol because essentially I was at the root of the bad choices I made. Maybe the alcohol made it easier to go all the way or numb the guilt that came afterward. In my old life I thought people who worked 9 to 5 were chumps. I thought why would I work for someone else to make in a week what I can make in a day hustling. I learned the hard way that slower stable money is better for ME than fast risky money. I no longer live with that lump in my throat everyday from worrying if today will be the day that the cops come get me. Don’t get me wrong though, I have met a lot of mature hustlers but as far as I am concerned, I was out of control. I remember getting bottles at the bar just because it was the “cool” thing to do and going home after blowing almost all my profits that I risked my freedom to make all day. Being an alcoholic made me very irresponsible even when I thought I had it all under control. Only an irresponsible idiot would catch not one but two driving while impaired charges. Even as a manager in the music industry, many conflicts could have been avoided if I wasn’t so drunk while handling the business. Now I’m the one doing the 9 to 5 and life is actually good. I have a stable income, a great girlfriend in a growing relationship full of potential and the feeling of ease that I get from not having to worry about being locked up on any given day. I was very eager to move back downtown when parole ends in 2014. Now I think to myself that it might not be such a great idea to move back into the madness that downtown can bring. Yes it’s where all the fun happens along with the easy shopping and clubbing but I’m starting to realize that it might not be the best thing for my life and continued sobriety. Maybe it’s time to consider places that are more quite and closer to schools where I can raise children, the whole picket fence philosophy. Oh my God could it be? Is the sober emcee finally growing up? I know I’m not getting any younger (Insert old guy jokes here) I know I owe it to myself and the people I love to continue making the right decisions. This includes hanging up the microphone once I finally release my first solo LP at the end of the summer. I’ll always be an emcee because I will always have the will to write but hip hop is a young man’s game and I have so many other ways of expressing myself through writing. In conclusion, the grown man in me is finally starting to shine and that man would have still been suppressed if I was trying to drown him in a bottle of Vodka. I would like to thank all my regular readers as well as the new readers for supporting this blog and rest assure that there will be more to come. Bless