I Forgive You and...Me. Entry #20

On December 10th 2012, I spoke at the F-You (Forgiveness Project) founded and organized by my good friend Tara Muldoon. I’ve spoken at a couple of them before touching on topics from my past alcoholism and Pro-Criminal lifestyle along with sex education through stories of my past selfishness and womanizing. Naturally, it was an honor to be a featured speaker at the two year anniversary. The event made me go into deeper reflection now in hinds sight, have I really forgiven all of the people whom I felt wronged me? Have I asked for forgiveness from all the people I’ve done wrong? Sometimes I feel like it’s easier to get in front of an audience of people and tell my story than it is to look in the mirror and face myself or even talk to god and ask for forgiveness. Let me explain, in past blog entries I’ve spoken about my grown connection with God while being incarcerated. The belief never goes away but the connection weakens when we as Ex-Con’s are all caught up with our lives on the outside with all the temptations and life’s whirlwinds that we live in. I apologized to my Mom, Fiancé, friends, and family members for the stress I put them through. I repented to God for my sins hoping that in exchange He would grant me earlier freedom. But its one thing to ask for forgiveness, saying the words sorry or I apologize but it’s a whole different thing when you live like a forgiven or a forgiving person. I’ve done a lot of wrong things in my past; I’ve cheated on numerous girlfriends due to drunken looseness, I’ve lied many times to spend more time with my old friend the bottle, I’ve sold drugs to customers that other dealers would turn down, I betrayed friends and been betrayed by so-called friends. The list goes on and on but I’ve learned one thing, I can’t keep it all trapped in my chest. I’ve asked for a lot of forgiveness from different people but it’s truly impossible to get to everyone therefore I have to start with myself. I cannot beat myself up for my past because I know I’m not perfect, only God is perfect. But we need to understand that we are all works in progress and no matter what, we can’t start asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness without forgiving ourselves first.