Friday, 18 July 2014

ADDICT!! Entry #30

So as most people who follow this blog know by now that this is history and the accounts of my alcoholic life and my inner thoughts and feelings before and after sobriety. What qualifies me as an alcoholic? Well how about the fact that i used to drink a bottle of vodka 7 days a week 365 days a year and more on holidays. Or for the fact that I hated getting sick because I didn’t want to take the medicines, this was because either the physician or the warning label would advise against mixing the medicine with alcohol. It took me 20 years (1 in jail) to turn that corner to the road to sobriety. Even though I’m into my fifth year of sobriety I was and am still addicted to many things. Like Character Defects(See Entry #28), these addictions don’t just magically disappear because I stopped drinking alcohol. Old habits are hard to break and each addiction is individual and should be respected with it’s own time if one decides that they are going to battle them. I’ve been addicted and still am addicted to many things. I really can’t run them all down or I would need to write a blog series on that alone. However this blog is about honesty so let’s list off a few. SEX Ok so now that you’re awake again. Sex has always been one of my biggest addictions. I have had a long series of botched relationships due to the fact that I can be a naughty man, and really, I don’t need alcohol to influence my decision to cheat. The share thrill, enjoyment of variety and the all around pigness that is man is what has me single in this time of my life right now. I’ve cheated on every girlfriend I’ve ever had and had my share of wild adventures sober and drunk. An addiction to sex can be a combination of a high libido, will for acceptance as well as a lack of integrity and/or good judgment at times. This is all besides the fact of not being happy or satisfied in my past relationships enough not to cheat. We don’t even have to mention the porn. On the contrary though I don’t believe in the clinical diagnosis of being a sex addict. I personally won’t go do something crazy if I can’t get sex and anyone who does is just hornier than usual to me. However they don’t need to rehab to fix their “problem” they just need some more self control like most of us. DRAMA I have ben told that I’m addicted to drama many times. I don’t feel that I am but when you hear something enough times you tend to believe it after a while too, even a little bit. I’ve had my share of drama with the law and with my past relationships. I’ve been stabbed by a woman, slapped, punched, cursed out and mentally tormented by women. I have had fake Facebook, Myspace and High5 accounts made about me by scorned exes all for cheating (Of course), oh ya, and lying too(Can’t forget that.) I’ve had women confronting each other many times all because of the webs of lies that I have spun. The reason I guess that I’m becoming a believer is because no matter how many times it happens I always find myself repeating the exact same actions and getting the EXACT same results. Therefore I must have some addiction to drama even is it’s sub and/or unconsciously. Some of the dramas like legal issues are some of the drama that I am definitely not addicted to but through my parole and after I have walked the fine the line of legality a number of times. Drama is another release of endorphins, the type that the thrill seekers like. Lately I’ve been pretty good at staying out of drama or “di blenda” like my lovely hood folks call it. However who knows what can happen the next time I find myself TOO bored. Material Things (Cars, Clothes and Shinny Things) I am what you call an impulse buyer. I see, I like, I buy it. I hustled for 17 years before I turned my life around and over those years I’ve picked up the easy come easy go habits. I developed a fancy for the finer things. I like designer and name brand clothes, I like European cars and trucks and I like gold and diamonds. I also feel that I shouldn’t feel guilty about that because if your working hard for your money and/or out there taking those risk that the hustlers do to make big money, then shit! You deserve that shit! Buy that Gucci bag mama! Go get the newest Jordan's, Benz and Ice my dude! However, make sure that it’s within your means. Material things can be seen as an addiction. We all know about maxing out our credit cards because we just HAVE to have those new shoes. Physical Appearance I have always gone up and down with my weight from the time I turned 25. Prior to that I was always overweight. Though it never stopped me from meeting women over the years, I still didn’t like who I saw in the mirror. I have recently lost around 50 pounds, once again. The reason I say once again is because this is actually the fourth time that I have done this. The 3 times prior I had always put back on the weight and hated myself for it. Especially with all the hard work that it takes to loose that much weight, along with the fact that it can’t be good for my heart after a while going up and down so much. Now that I’m on my 4th go around I did it the best this time I have achieved under 10% body fat I got my six pack like I promised myself and my eating regiment is on point. However now I am addicted to looking this way. I obsess about my eating and base my daily schedule according to my meals as well as duties. I constantly check the mirror for signs of fat forming and I check the scale at the gym almost every day. At this point the only weight that is gained is water weight which comes and goes from hour to hour and is barely retained since I cook sodium free ALL THE TIME. Oh ya, did I mention that I always go to the gym every morning 6 days a week? Well yes, that’s happening too. So in conclusion whether your major addiction was alcohol like myself and millions of alcoholics. Or your major addiction was cocaine or ecstasy or any of the other wonderful substances out there that make so many lives fun and miserable at the same time.One thing that is clear for me and I'm confident in saying many others, is that kicking one major addiction doesn’t mean our jobs are done. There are many addictions we have to conquered some big some small. In addition sometimes conquered addictions can be replaced with other newer addictions or old ones that have elevated to fill the void that was once filled with the conquered major addiction. Therefore I feel I always need to stay conscious of my moves and the mental baggage that I might pick up along my road to progression. Eventually if those bags filled with other addictions get to heavy then progression will come to a halt. Then my former alcohol addiction will be the least of my problems. Bless

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