As a recording artist I express my hard times as well as good times in my songs. That’s my outlet and I thank God for the ability to do that. Also there has always been outside substances accessible for use when going through hard times like drugs and my old demon alcohol. Alcohol was my dark passenger when I was celebrating achievements, but in the hard times I used it to drown out the pain. I never thought that I used to be an unhappy person or deal with depression, but while listening to some of my material from 2009-2010 in my heavy abuse time I realized that I spoke about that a lot in my lyrics. I rapped about stress and hard times and the gallons of vodka and Hennesey that I consumed to alleviate those feelings. At the time I never saw anything wrong with that, I just figured that was the “rapper” thing to do. But in hindsight I realize that those were cries for help and expressing my demons through my music.
We all have problems and stress and drama does not only choose certain people. The thing is when we feel it does alcohol make it any better? Sure I used to feel better in the moment while I was drunk but did it make those problems go away? No, as a matter of fact the problems got worst in the long run. Liquor dulled the sharpness I needed to deal with difficult situations. Liquor also made finances even harder. At the time I was a drug dealer so I made a lot of money, but we all know when you have a few drinks in you we can become way more generous. Next thing you know we’re buying drinks for people we barely even know. Also in my case I know that I screwed up a lot of re up counts for my suppliers at the time from doing my hustling accounting while drunk. So rather than my problems going away through the bottle, things actually got worst. Not to mention the way I felt the next morning from hangovers or regrets from not knowing exactly what happened the night before, or even not knowing where the hell I was or who the hell is this nasty chick next to me.
I’m not going to get all preachy and suggest people not to drink just because I don’t anymore. But just realize that when your getting smashed because times get rough that it’s only temporary euphoria. Those problems will still be there after the party is over but we need enjoyment to contras those hard times. With that being known I suggest that you go out there and enjoy yourself but set limits so that good time doesn’t make those hard times turn harder.
Stay Blessed
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Thursday, 6 October 2011
PRISON SAVED MY LIFE
I was arrested on December 10th 2009, after an unfortunate accident encouraged by alcohol. That evening I had just come off the plane from New York City and I was dying to get drunk, but getting drunk almost made me die. As soon as I got back to my apartment I opened a bottle of vodka and had my once usual drink of vodka mixed with a slight touch of water. After the elixir hit my brain I started making bad decisions. I left the apartment around midnight and went to my favorite hang out at the time Octopus Lounge. At the bar I downed many glasses of vodka and cranberry juice, at that point I never needed to tell the bartender my order, I was such a regular by this point that they just knew. After a few hours of drinking and mingling I left the bar and went home with plans to go to the afterhours later on. At home I continued to drink the vodka that was waiting for me in my regular routine when I got a call from my friend/customer that will remain nameless. He wanted to come and pick up a bag of cocaine and as a prevalent dealer of such I was equipped. He arrived shortly after 3:30am and we hung out a bit and drank before he made his purchase and left. By that point I was very inebriated and high off of excessive amounts of weed. My plans were still to go to my beloved afterhours but the plans changed when I passed out. When I awoke I was being taken out of the apartment by firemen and brought downstairs to my landlord’s office. I was baffled, confused and very groggy from the indulgence, especially since there was a police officer waiting for me in the office. I realized by the fire alarms and the fire trucks outside that there was a fire but was puzzled by the fact that no one else from my building was outside. The officer told me it was because the fire was in my apartment and in addition that I was under arrest. I was told that upon the entry to my apartment by the fire department that one of the firemen discovered a considerable amount of cocaine on my kitchen counter and the authorities were called. I was escorted to the 14 division police station and left in the interrogation room. After an hour a couple of detectives came in to question me about the cocaine and inform me that they would be returning to my apartment with a search warrant while I remained detained. “If we search your apartment are we going to find anything else besides the coke?” one of the detectives asked. I told them no and they left me in the room for another two hours. When they returned one of them said, “I thought you told us that there was nothing else in your apartment?” I maintained my claim when the detective finally dropped the bomb shell. “What about the loaded .44 that we found in your computer tower?” he asked rhetorically. I realized then that my life was about to change. I was detained and transported to the Toronto Don Jail. Four days later I was released on bail with a lot of conditions including a 9pm curfew.
Fast forward two months, I continued selling drugs and getting drunk in a new apartment when I was raided by the vice squad. This time I wasn’t getting bail and I was sent to await my trial back at the Don jail. That was February 17th 2010 and that was the last time I ever had a drink. That was my wake-up call and I’ve been awake ever since.
Besides prison saving my life music also saved my life. I’ve been an artist/manager/record company CEO for a long time and on my first night on an extremely rough range I displayed my lyrical skill while we were on the nightly lock down. The next morning every hip hop lover wanted to know more about me and my profession.
Eventually I was sentenced to 3 years and 9 months in a Federal penitentiary and I knew I had to better myself with the time I was given away from the outside world. I began attending the AA Pathway to Freedom group every Sunday and never missed one meeting. In February of 2010 I received my one year medallion that I carry with me everywhere to remind me of my accomplishment. I began attending an AA meeting in downtown Toronto at 7:30am and searched out others until I found all the ones that I was comfortable with.
I am now twenty months sober and loving the feeling and I owe it all to God, Alcoholics Anonymous and prison. Prison was my turning point and if it wasn’t for that time away I probably would have still been a drunk suffering from financial strain, jondis and social disorder. The alcohol was definitely catching up to me and eventually I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning, sorossis of the liver or just end up homeless from a financial downward spiral. When I used to see homeless people I used to think, “Those are real alcoholics.” That could never happen to me I thought, now when I see them I don’t separate myself from their misfortune because if I continued on my destructive path I would eventually be sitting next to them begging for change outside of the liquor store.
I don’t regret a day in jail because without that experience I wouldn’t be able to experience the real freedom that I live now being a productive sober man.
Bless
Fast forward two months, I continued selling drugs and getting drunk in a new apartment when I was raided by the vice squad. This time I wasn’t getting bail and I was sent to await my trial back at the Don jail. That was February 17th 2010 and that was the last time I ever had a drink. That was my wake-up call and I’ve been awake ever since.
Besides prison saving my life music also saved my life. I’ve been an artist/manager/record company CEO for a long time and on my first night on an extremely rough range I displayed my lyrical skill while we were on the nightly lock down. The next morning every hip hop lover wanted to know more about me and my profession.
Eventually I was sentenced to 3 years and 9 months in a Federal penitentiary and I knew I had to better myself with the time I was given away from the outside world. I began attending the AA Pathway to Freedom group every Sunday and never missed one meeting. In February of 2010 I received my one year medallion that I carry with me everywhere to remind me of my accomplishment. I began attending an AA meeting in downtown Toronto at 7:30am and searched out others until I found all the ones that I was comfortable with.
I am now twenty months sober and loving the feeling and I owe it all to God, Alcoholics Anonymous and prison. Prison was my turning point and if it wasn’t for that time away I probably would have still been a drunk suffering from financial strain, jondis and social disorder. The alcohol was definitely catching up to me and eventually I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning, sorossis of the liver or just end up homeless from a financial downward spiral. When I used to see homeless people I used to think, “Those are real alcoholics.” That could never happen to me I thought, now when I see them I don’t separate myself from their misfortune because if I continued on my destructive path I would eventually be sitting next to them begging for change outside of the liquor store.
I don’t regret a day in jail because without that experience I wouldn’t be able to experience the real freedom that I live now being a productive sober man.
Bless
Monday, 12 September 2011
Locked in brings God out!
Part 10:Locked in brings God Out
It seems that a lot of times when people have their backs against the wall is when we call to God. This is especially true when it comes to people being incarcerated, a lot of times getting locked behind bars brings out ones religious and/or spiritual side. We have many Christians in jail, inmates that join the Islamic faith, we even have full out pastors and religious clergy men that were once convicts. I myself have experienced this same so-called awakening and since my incarceration in 2010, have begun to frequent the jail chapel and re-found Christ. Why is this? I ponder to myself, is this all real or is it just temporary until we are freed? Do we think that if we try to talk to God now, that He will open those prison doors sooner? I personally know that this is not true because I’ve seen many a chapel attendees get turned down for parole.
Ultimately it’s not how much we pray while inside that counts, but our true devotion and dedication to God and His ways that we live by when we get out. If God is all knowing then He can be able to see which of us really hold our praying and recognition in our hearts. He knows which one of us is going to continue a righteous path from the ones who only think of Him until we get out. I feel my faith is strong but I still feel that I should have tried harder to frequent church when I got out on parole. Not because God only blesses Christians who go to church, God judges by our actions not the venue we choose to worship Him in. I should have gone to church more often because that’s what I said I was going to do and a man’s word is his bond.
This goes to my belief that we should not only call on God in our hard times but also in our good times. When things are going well in our lives we must never forget to always give thanks to God. We must give back by being His workers in the factory of righteousness. By always giving a helping hand to someone in need, by looking outside of ourselves and being selfless rather than selfish, spreading the word to those who want it or by being more humble are all ways of living in Godly ways.
God is with us every day of our lives so we must not just acknowledge Him on our worst days but thank Him on our best days. So to all my convicts and former convicts, it’s good to speak to God while we’re inside as long as we continue to speak to Him when we get out.
Bless
It seems that a lot of times when people have their backs against the wall is when we call to God. This is especially true when it comes to people being incarcerated, a lot of times getting locked behind bars brings out ones religious and/or spiritual side. We have many Christians in jail, inmates that join the Islamic faith, we even have full out pastors and religious clergy men that were once convicts. I myself have experienced this same so-called awakening and since my incarceration in 2010, have begun to frequent the jail chapel and re-found Christ. Why is this? I ponder to myself, is this all real or is it just temporary until we are freed? Do we think that if we try to talk to God now, that He will open those prison doors sooner? I personally know that this is not true because I’ve seen many a chapel attendees get turned down for parole.
Ultimately it’s not how much we pray while inside that counts, but our true devotion and dedication to God and His ways that we live by when we get out. If God is all knowing then He can be able to see which of us really hold our praying and recognition in our hearts. He knows which one of us is going to continue a righteous path from the ones who only think of Him until we get out. I feel my faith is strong but I still feel that I should have tried harder to frequent church when I got out on parole. Not because God only blesses Christians who go to church, God judges by our actions not the venue we choose to worship Him in. I should have gone to church more often because that’s what I said I was going to do and a man’s word is his bond.
This goes to my belief that we should not only call on God in our hard times but also in our good times. When things are going well in our lives we must never forget to always give thanks to God. We must give back by being His workers in the factory of righteousness. By always giving a helping hand to someone in need, by looking outside of ourselves and being selfless rather than selfish, spreading the word to those who want it or by being more humble are all ways of living in Godly ways.
God is with us every day of our lives so we must not just acknowledge Him on our worst days but thank Him on our best days. So to all my convicts and former convicts, it’s good to speak to God while we’re inside as long as we continue to speak to Him when we get out.
Bless
Monday, 22 August 2011
The sober Emcee Part 9. Accountability and Frienemies
For those of you who know me and/or have been following my blogs, then you know that I am still currently at the Frontenac federal institution in Kingston Ontario on a alleged parole violation. I vehemently maintain my innocence on this slanderous accusation and pray that my innocence will be vindicated by the parole board at my hearing coming up very soon. I have been maintaining a positive attitude throughout this whole ordeal and keeping my faith in the lord very strong.
I have learned one very important lesson through this; always be aware of frenemies. To my knowledge I haven’t collect many if any enemies in my past, so there for the accuser must be a so called friend. This so called friend has accused me of engaging in criminal activity and has pointed my picture out of a police lineup. This shows me that potentially this person has recently received some legal problems and has fabricated a story about me to lessen their charges or jail time. It reveals to me that a lot of people have a problem with being held accountable for their own actions.
I’ve learned over the one year duration of my earlier incarceration through 2010 that accountability is very important. Through the previous years of my drunkenness and hustling I always wanted to point outward at the faults for my tribulations. “It’s the systems fault or the police.” I would say. It was the problems in my life that was the reasons I drank so heavily and made bad decisions, “blame it on the alcohol.” Like the song says. But it was me who picked up the bottle not the system that bought it for me or put it in my hands. I chose to do crimes in those days not the hood or the government that forced me to sell drugs. There’s a lot of people who put blame on others when they get caught doing illegal activity, they are called SNITCHES and even from child hood this is never known as a good trait. Our parents would always tell us that, “no one likes a tattle tale.” In my specific situation this person is not only considered a snitch but also a liar because the allegations are totally untrue. If I kept the same mentality then I would of came out of jail and went right back to the hustle to further risk catching a new charge like so many other inmates that I have met.
Bob Marley sang, paraphrasing the bible, “man to man is so unjust, you don’t know who to trust. Your worst enemy could be your best friend and your best friend your worst enemy.” This teaches me that the word trust is only to be reserved for a small few, keep a very small circle.
The old drunken me would have ill will towards my accuser. To find out whom it is and where they are and do something drastic to them which might in turn land me in even more trouble. But now with a clear sober mind and strong faith, I now pray for my so called enemy I pray that they can seek god to help them change their ways and help them out of their own tribulations, instead of using someone else ( namely me ) as their scape goat for their own situation.
So to my readers and loved ones, don’t worry god’s got my destiny in his hands and the truth shall set me free!
Bless
I have learned one very important lesson through this; always be aware of frenemies. To my knowledge I haven’t collect many if any enemies in my past, so there for the accuser must be a so called friend. This so called friend has accused me of engaging in criminal activity and has pointed my picture out of a police lineup. This shows me that potentially this person has recently received some legal problems and has fabricated a story about me to lessen their charges or jail time. It reveals to me that a lot of people have a problem with being held accountable for their own actions.
I’ve learned over the one year duration of my earlier incarceration through 2010 that accountability is very important. Through the previous years of my drunkenness and hustling I always wanted to point outward at the faults for my tribulations. “It’s the systems fault or the police.” I would say. It was the problems in my life that was the reasons I drank so heavily and made bad decisions, “blame it on the alcohol.” Like the song says. But it was me who picked up the bottle not the system that bought it for me or put it in my hands. I chose to do crimes in those days not the hood or the government that forced me to sell drugs. There’s a lot of people who put blame on others when they get caught doing illegal activity, they are called SNITCHES and even from child hood this is never known as a good trait. Our parents would always tell us that, “no one likes a tattle tale.” In my specific situation this person is not only considered a snitch but also a liar because the allegations are totally untrue. If I kept the same mentality then I would of came out of jail and went right back to the hustle to further risk catching a new charge like so many other inmates that I have met.
Bob Marley sang, paraphrasing the bible, “man to man is so unjust, you don’t know who to trust. Your worst enemy could be your best friend and your best friend your worst enemy.” This teaches me that the word trust is only to be reserved for a small few, keep a very small circle.
The old drunken me would have ill will towards my accuser. To find out whom it is and where they are and do something drastic to them which might in turn land me in even more trouble. But now with a clear sober mind and strong faith, I now pray for my so called enemy I pray that they can seek god to help them change their ways and help them out of their own tribulations, instead of using someone else ( namely me ) as their scape goat for their own situation.
So to my readers and loved ones, don’t worry god’s got my destiny in his hands and the truth shall set me free!
Bless
Saturday, 9 July 2011
The Sober Emcee: Part.8 A letter to my readers
For anyone who has been following my ongoing blog, I would like to thank you. I would like to thank my lovely fiancé for typing out my message to you and I would like to thank anyone and everyone for your support. I hope that anything I had to say in the previous entry has influenced you in a positive way.
If you don’t already know, I have been sent back to the federal penitentiary for an alleged parole violation. I maintain my innocence and those of you who really know me know that I’m am sincere by the positive changes that I have made in myself. I am at a federal camp called the Frontenac institution. Regardless to the fact this is still a prison and there are rules and regulations that you must abide by. There are many people doing life sentences and long bids who are separated from their friends and family. In my opinion, when we laugh and smile here its to keep from expressing our true emotions of sorrow, stress and frustration. Many have tried to alleviate those feelings via drugs and alcohol which are readily available here and in many other institutions. The fact is that alleviation is only temporary, no matter how high or drunk an inmate gets we are still here and that’s the reality. I believe that we must always look to god and our own inner strength to free our minds while our bodies are still being incarcerated. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s do-able. We can’t help our family and friends if were in an altered state of mind. I know it sounds cliché but we can’t escape our problems with a joint or a drink. Even worse if we get caught or make the wrong decisions while in that inebriated state, we can catch additional charges which in turn prolong our reunion with our loved ones on the outside. This also translates to all of you who are not incarcerated. If we aren’t in the right frame of mind then we are no help to the people around us.
As for me, I continue to stay sober and attend AA meetings supplied by the institution. I try to look at the bright side of my situation and I continue to keep my faith in god and the hope that I will be vindicated for my innocence. At least, I’m in a minimum security institution for now and not some cruel prison in a foreign country. At least I’m not doing a life bid so eventually I will come home, hopefully sooner than later. I still have my life and health after all the tribulations I’ve been through, most of all at least I’m still sober and have the love and support of my wife, mother, friends, and family. I will see all of you soon but for now I am still mentally free.
Bless
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
THE SOBER EMCEE Part.7 Corruption
I’m writing ya’ll from the Toronto west detention right now, with my fiancé typing this into cyber space for ya’ll to read. Recently I was picked up by Toronto police for suspicion of carrying a hand gun which is totally false, ludicrous as well as slanderous. It just proved to me that the devil is always hard at work. I will soon be shipped back to the federal pen where I will be awaiting my chance to speak in front of the parole board. I know that I have been wrongly accused. I will once again spend another birthday in jail, be away from my fiancé and away from my mother and her current ailing condition. Never the less I must still keep the faith. I can’t lie I got mad at god when I heard the news that I would have to head back to the pen. Being innocent made me feel that god should be on my side and I should have been out a few days after I was picked up. I laid up in my bunk pisst off at god and the world. But when I calmed down I realized I couldn’t give up. I know everything happens for a reason and no matter the circumstance, god is always with me. If I give up and go back to my drunken criminal ways, things will only get worse for me and I will probably end up with more time away. That’s time away from my family, friends, fiancé, and mother and that’s no help.
I will continue to go to AA meetings inside, I will stay positive and I will continue to spread my message to whoever will listen. With god’s grace I will be home in no time. No matter what I can’t let the system win in their mission to break me down. God will overcome corruption.
Friday, 3 June 2011
The Sober Emcee part. 6 Hitting Rock Bottom(The Power of God and AA)
I've had a pretty long drinking career. I can say I started drinking when I was about 16 maybe 15. Back then I used to drink beer with my friends in Montreal and it wasn't an everyday thing. We used to snatch and grab 24s from the corner stores then go in the park and get plastered and it didn't take much in those times. That was around the same time that I started going to clubs. I used to use older friends IDs so I could get in and when I did I would only have a few drinks because frankly I was pretty broke. Around that time was the first time I ever drank a 40 oz of malt liquor. I was in Brooklyn at the time on the stoop with a couple of friends from my grand mothers block. I remember drinking one and feeling nice so, always being the over-doer I decided to buy another one, I think they were only $1.50. After the second one I went back to my grand ma's stoop and sat down alone. In about five minutes I felt it all coming back up and then I threw up all over the railing of her stoop, then I crawled up her long stairs to her apartment with my brain spinning.
As time went on my tolerance went up and I started smoking weed at 16. At 17 I started selling drugs and I used to sell crack out of an apartment in Montreal. I used to smoke weed and drink a few beers every night but it still wasn't bad yet. I use to go to the club and see my bosses buying out the bar, I thought they were the coolest mofos in the world.
Things started changing after I quit working for them. I opened a weed base with a friend of mine(who will remain nameless) at 19years old and I was making a shit load of money. I used to drink Red Bull beers in the tall cans and I would slam down about 6 of them a day sitting in the base. My partner in crime used to complain that I drank to much even back then. I thought that I was the envy of my friends with my higher tolerance level. We used to sit around and have freestyle sessions for hours smoking and drinking like crazy. I also used to hide beer cans in my room when I was at home so that my mother wouldn't see me drinking. I guess now in hindsight I was starting to become a real alcoholic because of the fact that I started hiding it.
When I finally moved to Toronto at 22 things started getting worst. I would continue drinking Red Bull(beer) and started gaining a tolerance for hard liquor, that was the year I had my first black out at a party. When I moved in with a couple friends in an area called Bleaker I drank beer all day and switched to hard liquor all night when I used to go to the all night house music jams. As time went on I started developing a taste for cognac and Gran Marnie and I had a customer that would bring me bottles of Don Perignon for only $60 a bottle. I thought I was the coolest shit drinking Don in my apartment from the bottle with no special occasion.
Fast forward and things started getting really bad around 2006, I was on to vodka by now and it was a nightly thing. I was managing a group named Empire and we partied a lot, the problem was when the party was over I would still be drinking alone. I was already frequent in the after hours scene and my tolerance level was through the roof.
I met my fiance in 2007 and she didn't realize how bad my drinking problem was until 2008. I had caught 2 impaired driving charges within a year. I lost my driver's license and I started having a secret depression. My girl suggested that I start going to AA and I did, but I wasn't going for me at the time , I went to please her. I was still selling drugs, so while I shared in the meetings my phone would be buzzing in my pocket with customers with addiction problems similar to the ones in the meeting. I felt like the biggest hypocrite and after a month of sobriety I started again and I went hard.
If you have been following my past blogs then you know about why I got incarcerated. That was the end for me and I started doing a lot of changing. I prayed more and I started going to AA again from inside. On February 16th I received my 1 year sobriety medallion and now I have almost 16 months under my belt.
Jail was truly rock bottom for me and all I want to do is go up right now and as long as I stay sober I will. I attend AA meeting almost daily and I love it and I do it for me. Drinking is fun but it's not for everyone especially me. Don't get me wrong, PLEASE have fun . But if I'm at the party with ya'll just pass me a water or a soda and I'll be just as fun at the party with you.
Peace
As time went on my tolerance went up and I started smoking weed at 16. At 17 I started selling drugs and I used to sell crack out of an apartment in Montreal. I used to smoke weed and drink a few beers every night but it still wasn't bad yet. I use to go to the club and see my bosses buying out the bar, I thought they were the coolest mofos in the world.
Things started changing after I quit working for them. I opened a weed base with a friend of mine(who will remain nameless) at 19years old and I was making a shit load of money. I used to drink Red Bull beers in the tall cans and I would slam down about 6 of them a day sitting in the base. My partner in crime used to complain that I drank to much even back then. I thought that I was the envy of my friends with my higher tolerance level. We used to sit around and have freestyle sessions for hours smoking and drinking like crazy. I also used to hide beer cans in my room when I was at home so that my mother wouldn't see me drinking. I guess now in hindsight I was starting to become a real alcoholic because of the fact that I started hiding it.
When I finally moved to Toronto at 22 things started getting worst. I would continue drinking Red Bull(beer) and started gaining a tolerance for hard liquor, that was the year I had my first black out at a party. When I moved in with a couple friends in an area called Bleaker I drank beer all day and switched to hard liquor all night when I used to go to the all night house music jams. As time went on I started developing a taste for cognac and Gran Marnie and I had a customer that would bring me bottles of Don Perignon for only $60 a bottle. I thought I was the coolest shit drinking Don in my apartment from the bottle with no special occasion.
Fast forward and things started getting really bad around 2006, I was on to vodka by now and it was a nightly thing. I was managing a group named Empire and we partied a lot, the problem was when the party was over I would still be drinking alone. I was already frequent in the after hours scene and my tolerance level was through the roof.
I met my fiance in 2007 and she didn't realize how bad my drinking problem was until 2008. I had caught 2 impaired driving charges within a year. I lost my driver's license and I started having a secret depression. My girl suggested that I start going to AA and I did, but I wasn't going for me at the time , I went to please her. I was still selling drugs, so while I shared in the meetings my phone would be buzzing in my pocket with customers with addiction problems similar to the ones in the meeting. I felt like the biggest hypocrite and after a month of sobriety I started again and I went hard.
If you have been following my past blogs then you know about why I got incarcerated. That was the end for me and I started doing a lot of changing. I prayed more and I started going to AA again from inside. On February 16th I received my 1 year sobriety medallion and now I have almost 16 months under my belt.
Jail was truly rock bottom for me and all I want to do is go up right now and as long as I stay sober I will. I attend AA meeting almost daily and I love it and I do it for me. Drinking is fun but it's not for everyone especially me. Don't get me wrong, PLEASE have fun . But if I'm at the party with ya'll just pass me a water or a soda and I'll be just as fun at the party with you.
Peace
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